Pie Hard with a Vengeance: The Handheld Apple Pie Tournament

 Round One — Drake’s vs. Hostess

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the inaugural Pie Hard with a Vengeance. From the sticky countertops of convenience stores everywhere, we bring you the opening bout of our handheld apple pie tournament.

Your referee today is none other than Pi Man, seated at a wobbly elementary school desk, legs cramped by a chair designed for third graders. The discomfort is intentional. It captures the nostalgic spirit of snack food consumption.

In the red corner: Drake’s Apple Pie, born in New York City in 1886. Drake’s has been a Northeast staple for generations, backed by McKee Foods, the folks behind Devil Dogs and Ring Dings. Their apple pies roll out of bakeries in Tennessee, Arkansas, and Virginia, each wrapped with old‑school pride.

And in the blue corner: Hostess Apple Pie, a Kansas City legend since 1919. The same company that gave America the Twinkie now bakes these pies in Kansas, Georgia, and Indiana. Their crust glimmers under fluorescent lights with the confidence of a prizefighter’s robe.

The contest is judged on six factors: Taste, Filling, Crust, Sugar Content, Packaging, and Nostalgia. Two pies enter. One pie moves on. Let the munching commence.

Taste: Drake’s came out strong with a flavor reminiscent of a homemade pie, complete with real apple notes and a subtle touch of cinnamon. Hostess fired back with pure sweetness—less apple pie, more carnival treat. Delicious, yes, but leaning heavily on sugar.

Filling: Hostess showed up with more filling in the middle, though the definition of “generous” in the snack‑aisle world is modest at best. Drake’s was lighter, but still respectable.

Crust: Hostess went flashy, with a shiny glaze that looked like it had been painted on. The sweetness was overwhelming. Drake’s stuck to a sturdier, humbler crust—no frills, just business—and it worked.

Sugar Content: Hostess delivered a sugar rush worthy of a double espresso, while Drake’s kept its balance, letting the apple flavor shine through. Big points for Hostess in this category!

Packaging: Hostess scores points for practicality with a protective box. Drake’s counters with a classic paper wrap, the kind that sparked memories of a pie forgotten in a 7th‑grade locker—remarkably intact months later.

Nostalgia: This category ended in a draw. Both contenders carried decades of lunchbox loyalty.

The Winner: Drake’s Apple Pie—for tasting the most like an actual apple pie.

My verdict is in. Pi Man has spoken.